“The Narcissist’s Prayer”:
A Smorgasbord of Gaslighting and Other Favorite Abusive Tactics of Narcissists Everywhere
“The Narcissist’s Prayer” is an insightful (and all-too-accurate) poem written by Dayna Craig.
It goes like this:
“That didn’t happen. And if it did, it wasn’t that bad. And if it was, that’s not a big deal. And if it is, that’s not my fault. And if it was, I didn’t mean it. And if I did… You deserved it.”
Yikes! That’s a shitload of gaslighting (and other typical evasive tactics) in a few well-said lines. Narcissists (particularly the covert variety) are masters of manipulation and of emotional abuse. If you’ve been involved with a narcissist, the words of this poem may sound all too familiar.
Narcissists carry a deep core wound of shame, which they are driven to disguise and keep hidden under a veneer of perfection and infallibility. Exposure of their unacknowledged feelings of inadequacy is their greatest fear, and they’ll do anything they can to avoid it. By painting themselves as superior beings, they’re able to keep these unwanted feelings under wraps as they dump their shame onto you and others.
Should you dare confront them with their less-than-stellar behavior, point out something they did that was hurtful, or have the nerve to ask for an apology, prepare for a full buffet of gaslighting and other abusive tactics, including:
Denial
Defensiveness
Justification
Rewriting history and/or lying
Minimizing, trivializing, and dismissing your complaints or your feelings
Invalidation
Deflection
Playing the victim
Contempt
Whew! (I did say it was a smorgasbord.)
Accountability is not in the narcissist’s wheelhouse; Any “apology” is more of a fauxpology, a pseudo-apology in which the narcissist doesn’t actually take responsibility for their misdeed. It’s the “Sorry, not sorry” approach: “I’m sorry you feel that way,” “I was just joking—can’t you take a joke?” etc.
Let’s look at “The Narcissist’s Prayer” line by line as it’s such a vivid representation of the narcissist and their tactics:
“That didn’t happen.”
Here we have textbook gaslighting where the narcissist’s intention is to get you to question your perception of the situation. There’s also denial, a favorite defensive technique of narcissists everywhere, as well as rewriting history. Narcissists are all about control, and controlling the narrative is one way they’re able to do it… No wonder survivors of narcissistic abuse begin to feel as if they’re going crazy!
“And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.”
This line is a classic example of the narcissist’s tendency to minimize the effects of their behavior and to invalidate your perceptions of it. It’s the “You’re making a mountain out of a molehill” defense. The narcissist trivializes your pain, making you wonder if you’re overreacting or overly sensitive.
And if it was, that’s not a big deal.”
More minimization here as the narcissist continues to dismiss your concerns. Here we also get a glimpse of the narcissist’s lack of empathy. Your feelings were hurt by something they did? Get over it, will ya?
“And if is, that’s not my fault.”
Now we move into another textbook tactic of narcissistic abuse: Blame shifting. Nothing is ever a narcissist’s fault.To be held accountable would destroy their image of perfection. Narcissists are experts at deflection and projection. They love to turn the tables on you, often usinga technique known as DARVO (Deny and reverse victim and offender), whereby they deny responsibility and thenplay the victim, thus making you the offender, i.e., the villain: “If you hadn’t done ‘x’, I wouldn’t have done ‘y’” or “You’re the one who _______”
Crazy-making, right?
“And if it was, I didn’t mean it.”
Again, a lack of accountability and insistence of innocence. To reiterate, ain’t no apology forthcoming from the blameless narcissist.
“And if I did, you deserved it.”
More blame shifting, more deflection, more projection, more denial of responsibility, and justification. And entitlement--The rules don’t apply to the narcissist, after all.
This, in a nutshell, is how the narcissist continually avoids and evades their toxic shame as they attempt to dump their shame onto you (classic projection), leaving you confused, unsure of yourself, insecure, and wondering WTF just happened.
Remember, narcissists exist in a world of their own making. It’s vital that you learn the tricks of their trade so that you can put things into proper perspective, not take their words nor their actions personally, trust your own truths, and not take on their shit!