Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where someone (the gaslighter) tries to make another person question their memories, perceptions, beliefs, or reality to gain the upper hand.
The term gaslighting is often used casually these days. It is important to draw a distinction between gaslighting and two people genuinely recalling events differently. It isn’t uncommon for people in relationships to have different impressions or memories of the same event - that's not gaslighting.
Gaslighting is the intention to deceive someone that truly defines this behavior as abusive.
Gaslighting can include:
Denying something happened that you know did: "I never said that."
Minimizing your feelings: "You're too sensitive. You always take things the wrong way."
Blame shifting: "If you hadn't done 'x,' I wouldn't have done 'y.'"
Deflecting: "What about when you [insert unrelated accusation]?"
Rewriting history: "That's not what happened. You're imagining things."
Projecting: "You always keep me at arm's length." When they're actually the distant one. My cold and emotionally distant ex often used this tactic.
Isolating: "You don't need to talk to your friends and family so often. You have me." Yep, I got that one too.
Withholding information: "I'm sure I told you I was meeting colleagues after work." (They didn't.)
Using confusing explanations or "word salad" when confronted, leaving you scratching your head wondering, WTF just happened?
Gaslighting is a powerful tool narcissists use to keep you off-balance, insecure, dependent, and full of self-doubt. It's just another way for a narcissist to maintain control - because for a them, it's all about control.