How do I know if my partner is a narcissist? This is a common question many people in difficult relationship ask. While identifying narcissistic traits can be helpful, it's crucial to focus on how your relationship makes you feel. Let's explore why the label might not matter as much as your emotional experience.
The Diagnosis Dilemma
How do you know if you are, in fact, dealing with a narcissist? The truth is, you may not know. And more importantly, it may not matter.
For a person to actually be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, they would have to see a mental health professional who would then apply the DSM-5 criteria (a diagnostic tool used by psychiatrists and psychologists) to determine if they meet the criteria. There are a few problems with this:
The unlikely proposition that a true narcissist would ever seek professional help. (They very rarely do.)
The application of the criteria can be somewhat subjective: For instance, how does one define "grandiose" in the scope of an individual's behavior, for instance?
Focus on Your Feelings
While I believe it's important to recognize and identify the common tricks and traits of narcissists (be they grandiosity, lack of empathy, entitlement, exploitation of others, a sense of superiority, envy of others' successes, lack of accountability, etc.), it's perhaps more important for us to zero in on the way this person makes us feel.
Your partner may or may not be a narcissist (and, yes, I realize this term may be bandied about a bit indiscriminately at times), but if you're being subjected to the toxic behaviors typical of narcissism, that is what you need to focus on. So, yes, educate yourself on what makes someone a narcissist—but, more importantly, pay close attention to how this person makes you feel when you're with them. Feelings are valuable messengers—sometimes they recognize things our rational brain isn’t ready to acknowledge or accept, so don’t dismiss them or blow them off!
Signs You're in a Toxic Relationship
If you're with a narcissist (or other toxic individual), you may experience or struggle with:
Confusion and self-doubt: Narcissists use techniques such as gaslighting. You may struggle with cognitive dissonance. "Am I crazy?" is a common refrain. (Spoiler alert: You're not.)
Loss of self-esteem and sense of self: You may feel like a shell of your former self due to constant criticism, belittling, and undermining.
Feeling drained and exhausted: The emotional turbulence of toxic relationships takes a toll. You find yourself walking on eggshells, desperate to avoid the narcissist's rage or emotional withdrawal.
Shame and self-blame: Narcissists are experts at blame-shifting and projection. You end up taking on their deep disowned shame.
Feeling stuck: The addictive nature of these relationships often leaves you questioning whether to stay or go.
Isolation and loneliness: Narcissists often isolate you from loved ones and other sources of support.
Unheard and unimportant: Your needs, wants, and desires do not matter. You're viewed as a mere appendage to the narcissist.
Anxiety: You feel like you're always waiting for the other shoe to drop, constantly threatened with rejection or abandonment.
This is far from a complete list, but if you identify with the above, please seek professional support. Your partner may or may not be a narcissist, but this is a toxic relationship-- And you deserve better!
Remember, whether your partner fits the clinical definition of a narcissist is less important than how you feel in the relationship. Trust your feelings and experiences. If you're consistently feeling devalued, anxious, and drained, it's time to prioritize your well-being and seek support.