Hopium, as you’ve probably guessed, is a combination of the words “hope” and “opium”— referring to the addictive and harmful nature of hope in an abusive relationship.
Narcissistic relationships start off with such a bang (See love bombing), we become emotionally attached early on, believing that what we’re experiencing in these early days of idealization is what we’ll get throughout the relationship. (Fallacy #1)
Unfortunately, the narcissist quickly pulls the rug out from under us during the devaluing phase of the cycle of narcissistic abuse. Because we’ve become so brainwashed by their early attentive, loving, and affectionate behavior in the beginning, we make the faulty assumption that this new fault-finding, critical, and neglectful behavior is a blip on the screen—and the wonderful partner we fell for will return once again with expressions of the undying love they once professed for us. (Fallacy#2)
So we hold on, clinging to hope. We tolerate increasingly abusive behavior (because abuse always escalates), giving the narcissist the benefit of the doubt, making excuses for their bad behavior, believing their lies and their false promises (aka future faking.)
We believe, if we love them enough, they will change. (Fallacy #3) That this time will be different. (Fallacy #4)
This false hope, aka hopium, becomes the addictive drug that keeps us coming back for more. After all, the highs are so high—and withdrawal, as we all know, sucks. Narcissists, wily creatures that they are, exploit our naiveté, using our Pollyanna fantasies to keep us hooked.
Ultimately, as we wake up to the harsh reality of narcissistic abuse, we must let go of this toxic hope and accept that things will never get better, that this relationship was all an illusion and a delusion. Which sucks, yes—but this recognition and acceptance lead us onto the path of healing. And that path is paved with hope—real hope-- not hopium.