I lived the first fifty years of my life in an environment of chronic testosterone overload: an alpha male physician father and three brothers, followed by an alpha male husband and three sons, as well as twenty-plus years of practicing medicine accompanied by alpha male colleagues.
This experience is far from unique. Many women find themselves navigating male-dominated spaces, whether in their families, relationships, or professional lives. The pressure to conform and to not ruffle feathers can be overwhelming.
The Dimming Process
Naturally, as a woman wanting to fit in, I did what any non-self-respecting intelligent woman and "good girl" would do: I dimmed down. I dumbed down. I played small, I took up less space. I self-silenced. I mastered Second Fiddle. I leaned out instead of in.
I said, "Ok sure, it’s fine," or "No problem," followed by the inevitable ensuing and self-punishing thought, "Why the fuck did I agree to this?"
But of course I knew the answer: Nice girls don't say "No."
This pattern of behavior is all too familiar for many women. We're conditioned from an early age to be agreeable, to put others' needs before our own, to avoid conflict at all costs. The cost of this conditioning, however, is steep.
The Fear of Shining
People won't like you if you shine too brightly. Some people won't be pleased. You'll be seen as "a bitch." (Gasp!) Or threatening. Or worst of all selfish. (My personal nemesis.)
And the guilt. (Always the fucking guilt.)
The fear of being disliked, of being seen as difficult or selfish, can be paralyzing. It keeps us small, keeps us quiet, keeps us from reaching our full potential. But at what cost?
The Wake-Up Call
The lightbulb finally came on for me when, towards the end of my twenty-year marriage, my chauvinistic and narcissistic husband nonchalantly turned to me and stated, "You know, I realize I don't really need to be with a smart woman."
Say what?
Ouch. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
All that dimming and dumbing to get here?
Sometimes it takes a moment of stark clarity to shake us out of our patterns. This brutally honest statement served as a wake-up call, illuminating the futility of dimming oneself to please others.
The Power of No
No! No! No! No! NO!
(Wow—it really is a complete sentence.)
Learning to say "no" is a powerful act of self-respect and self-care. It's about setting boundaries, honoring our own needs and desires, and refusing to compromise our essence for the comfort of others.
Embracing the Light
Two of my sheros are Sheryl Sandberg and Helen Reddy! (Look them up and be inspired.) I'm ready! I'm in! Not only am I leaning—I'm lunging. Hear me roar! I'm expanding, stretching, reaching. Fuck the comfort zone. Fuck those with fragile egos who can't handle it. I realize now that they're the small ones-- and my playing small will never change that.
This powerful declaration marks a turning point. It's a commitment to growth, to authenticity, to unapologetic self-expression. It's about recognizing that our light doesn't diminish others – it illuminates the world around us.
"Death by Dimming" is indeed a dull and deadly way to go. It robs us of our vitality, our potential, and our joy. By choosing to shine brightly, we not only enrich our own lives but also inspire others to do the same. Remember, the world needs your light. So stand tall, speak up, and let your brilliance shine. After all, as Marianne Williamson famously said, "Your playing small does not serve the world.”
This is my rallying cry for all women. Step into your power and embrace your intelligence, your strength, your unique gifts. This is a reminder that we don't need to make ourselves smaller— or dimmer— to fit into someone else's idea of who we should be.
No more dimming! No more dumbing down!
Shine on, ladies!
We're on a roar!
Megaphones are optional but highly recommended. Wonder Woman stance required.