Common Traits the Narcissist Looks for in Their Target
Narcissists have an uncanny ability to identify individuals who are likely to fall for, put up with, excuse, and even enable their self-serving and emotionally abusive behaviors. They don't choose their "victims" randomly; they're far too sly for that. There's a reason I've chosen the word "target" in the title of this article!
Understanding Your Vulnerabilities
If you've been a target of one of these emotional vampires, a large part of your growth, healing, and evolution moving forward will be to determine which vulnerabilities you'll need to shore up to make yourself narcissist-proof. You do not want to end up in the clutches of yet another one of these wolves in sheep's clothing—or be tempted to take back a toxic ex who's trying to suck (aka "Hoover") you back in. (Been there, done that, don't recommend.)
An important note: While it's tempting (and, yes, satisfying) to focus on blaming the narcissist for their cruel and abusive behavior, the truth is our only true power comes from focusing on ourselves and what we can change about ourselves.
Common Traits and Vulnerabilities
See if any of these ring familiar so that you know what you need to focus on in your own growth to avoid falling for a user and abuser in the future:
Empathy: Narcissists look for those who are kind, caring, and understanding, as well as likely to excuse their bad behavior. Makes sense, right?
People Pleasing: What narcissist wouldn't want someone willing to over-give and self-sacrifice in order to serve them and their needs?
Lack of strong boundaries: Narcissists are notorious boundary busters. It's all about control, baby.
Co-dependent tendencies: Aka "The disease to please." Co-dependent individuals put others' needs before their own. Perfect for a self-absorbed narcissist, yes?
Poor self-esteem and insecurity: Narcissists play on our insecurities to make us increasingly dependent upon them, especially if we fear rejection or abandonment. (Pick me.)
A history of past trauma: Unhealed core wounds make us susceptible to accepting poor treatment in the present. We've been conditioned to believe we don't deserve better.
Recent loss or trauma: Perhaps we're lonely or lost and looking for love. In waltzes the narcissist with their love bombing tactics—and before you know it, you're hooked!
Inexperience and naivety: We didn't know this type of person actually existed, so we trust blindly. We want that fairy tale ending!
Loyalty: Perhaps we believe in the sanctity of marriage and family, or carry cultural and/or religious beliefs that keep us in toxic relationships. (In my case, family was everything. So I stayed far longer than I should have.)
Success, talent, or beauty: Sometimes it's these things that attract a narcissist to us. Your attributes make them look good!
The Cycle of Abuse
Remember, if you're in a relationship with a narcissist, things aren't all bad. They're far too clever for that, so they alternate kind and cruel behaviors (i.e., intermittent reinforcement) to keep you coming back for more of the good stuff-- and to motivate you to stay during the bad. (More about that in my next post...)
Taking Action
Please use this list as a jumping-off point to determine what made you good narcissist bait. Enlist professional support if you need assistance in building up your self-esteem, your boundaries, and your belief in yourself, and the knowledge that you deserve better. Because you do!
By recognizing these traits and vulnerabilities within yourself, you can take steps to strengthen your defenses against narcissistic manipulation. Remember, self-awareness and personal growth are your best tools in avoiding future toxic relationships. You have the power to break the cycle and create healthier, more fulfilling connections in your life.